I hate ending things. The finality of goodbyes are too much for me.
If I could, I’d prefer to quietly slink out of a situation over having a big to-do about it.
There’s a part of me that thinks, “Well, if we don’t officially say goodbye, then it’s not really for real, so I don’t have to mourn the loss of ‘xyz.’”
I’d choose to remember memories as they were at their best, not how they ended.
This gets me in trouble.
I’m not good at being upfront because disappointing people kills me.
At my heart, I aim to please. I want everyone to be content. I ache when people hurt.
Because of this need to make people happy, I’ve made some dramatically unwise choices.
Continuing to date people when I knew it wasn’t right, keeping cool when I ought to have expressed my true feelings…these are things I knew, at the time, I should’ve voiced. But I didn’t.
I’ve since learned that being truthful to a person is more important (generally) than being kind to a person.
Confronting goodbyes is a necessary evil of embracing new hellos.
Forever goodbyes, though, those are paralyzing. Those are what I struggle to fathom, those are what I still don’t know how to withstand.
After my beloved Nama passed, going back to her home was torturous. I was fourteen and it was gut wrenching to face their tiny ranch-style house without her large, wonderful presence there.
After my Dampa, her husband, passed a few years later, I definitely couldn’t go back because I wanted my last memory to be of them, so vibrant, filling that space.
I didn’t want to remember that house absent of them.
I couldn’t endure it.
Yeah, overall, I’ve had this incredible luxury of avoiding reality.
I’ve faced few substantial losses in my life.
Yeah, I know this luxury won’t last for long.
I am endlessly terrified that the people who mean the most to me will disappear. Goodness, life is fragile.
But I know being a grown-up means facing losses head-on.
This is the part of adulthood I most fear, over failed relationships, disastrous finances, and unsatisfying jobs.
Beginnings are easy and fun and light. Middles are unequivocally satisfying
Shit gets real when things end.
The most respect you can give a relationship is acknowledging and being present for its ending.
Whether its conclusion is in good faith or not, you owe it to the person to be present.
I certainly have learned this the hard way.
Saying goodbye isn’t easy, no matter how necessary it may be.
But facing goodbye is the most brave.